The Bump begins to grow

This week I am 17 weeks pregnant and I decided it was time for a new belly picture...

My bump is certainly looking more pronounced, and is starting to be obvious through my clothes. My colleagues at work have started to notice it, and some of the regular customers who know that Im pregnant too. One of the ladies who comes in several times a week has a daughter due the same week as me, so its interesting to hear whats happening in her pregnancy in relation to mine. She felt movement around the same time as me, and apparently has now felt a couple of kicks too. I may have done last night but I'm not 100% sure. I felt what I thought may have been a kick and then the same thing in the same place a couple of seconds later so it may have been - but we shall wait and see if anything else happens.

Theres nothing else much to report this week. I've been preparing for a craft show that my friend and I are doing in a couple of weeks, so I'm constantly covered in wallpaper paste and ripping up bits of magazines. I'll get organised and take some pictures of what I've been doing before I (hopefully) sell it all. Last day at work the day after tomorrow, and this time next week I will have had my first day of lectures as a PhD student. I'm yet to have my MA results tho. Hopefully I'll get those next week too.

We get our next scan in just under 4 weeks, and then a week after that we go to Barbados - well, I say we, it might just be me on my own as He can't find his passport and seems to be doing nothing about getting a replacement. I do quite like the idea of going on my own though. Might do me good to get a little time away from everything and relax before the frantic PhD work begins and we (mainly I) start preparing for the babys arrival.

I'm going to start exercising regularly next week, and when I'm back from Barbados I plan on starting pregnancy Yoga classes, and booking myself onto antenatal classes. My diary's gonna be pretty choc-a-block with things to do lading up to the birth, but I'm determined to keep busy, keep active and keep healthy for the rest of my pregnancy. As I keep telling people, pregnancy isn't an illness and theres no reason why I shouldn't do anything I'd do normally...

Preparing

We've both started looking at furniture for the babys room - which will be half nursery, half my study - although the baby will be rooming in with us until its 3-4 months old. We've both separately looked through the Ikea catalogue - I found it open on the cot page the other day even though I hadn't mentioned anything to Him about looking. When I asked which cot he liked, he pointed to EXACTLY the same one I liked. How cool is that?! So unless either of us change our minds, or find something better, I think this is the cot the baby will be having...

Isn't it awesome?

My little sister seems to be enjoying shopping for her future niece/nephew. Every few days she comes to see me with a new babygrow, or outfit, or something she has seen that was on offer and had to be bought. Yesterday it was a set of nappies and babywipes (with a free hat) which has been added to the pile of nappies and wipe I got on offer at the weekend (and I got a free changing bag too!) Lots of my friends have said that they want to get things for the baby but they want to wait until they know if its a boy or a girl before they buy anything. We will be waiting until the baby is born though, so they've got a bit of a wait.

I'm at the stage of pregnancy now, where to me I look pregnant, and He is definitely noticing a daily change in the size of my tummy, however, when dressed, I just look like I've SERIOUSLY been overdoing the cakes and I'm getting really self conscious about my tummy. Luckily the weather is cool enough for me to start wearing jumpers that hide my tummy, and really loose fitting vest tops that cover all sins and make me feel much better about myself. Give it a few more weeks though and I think cake belly will most certainly look like a bump - then I might be able to get a seat on the bus for once!

I'm feeling the baby move more and more everyday. I notice it when I go to bed, I think thats because I'm relatively relaxed and less busy so I actually notice whats going on. Most of the time I'm so stressed out at work that I don't really notice whats going on with my body as I just want to get the day over and done with and get home! I do love being able to feel it though. It like me and the baby have our own little secret that no-one else knows about and no-one else is aware of when its happening. I find myself randomly smiling whenever I feel it - I must look a bit crazy to other people having this little grin spread across my face from time to time. The other half has taken to lying with his head on my tummy when we're on the sofa listening to all the gurgling sounds as the baby moves around. He's actually started referring to me as Gurgle now, which is quite sweet really. He's definitely getting more involved in the pregnancy and doesn't look terrified when I mention the baby or anything to do with it anymore :-)

Yesterday I registered at uni so I am now an official PhD student, which is somewhat terrifying as it now starting to hit home just how much work I've got to do, and how quickly time is passing. Im really excited though as it means I can finally get started on something I've been working toward for the last 8 years, and I can't wait to get my teeth into the project, get back into the swing of lectures and reading and just generally researching again. I've really missed it the last few weeks - months even as I don't feel like I did much of that during my MA, which is a shame.

Only 4 more shifts left at work. Can't bloody wait to leave that place - and I'm so looking forward to saturday night as we've got two of our very good friends who we've not seen in over a year coming to visit :-) god knows where we're going to put them...

Time to start uni... again

This week is Freshers Week at uni... although I am not partaking. Instead this week will be my last week at work, as I am leaving next Wednesday 29th September. I'm sad to be going as I will miss many of the people I work with, and lots of the regular customers who I have made good friends with, but I am also pleased to be leaving as it gives me time to rest, and to concentrate on my phd work.

Over the past couple of weeks I've actually found the time to do some reading for my course, to try and get some background information on the actual PhD project, as its something totally new to me - and given that I have less time in my first year to work on things, the sooner I get started the better. The project title is 'Knowledge Brokering in Health and Social Care' and involves exploring how knowledge is transformed and transferred between health workers and social workers using certain individuals who act as intermediaries. Much research has considered the transfer of explicit knowledge, in the form of facts, data and pieces of information but I am also interested in the implict and more tacit knowledge that is developed within teams, but is difficult to share with others due to its unwritten and informal nature. The project will involve two case studies: 2 in mental health (1 adult focus, 1 child/youth focus) and the other on long term illness (again 1adult focus, one child/youth focus). I am thinking of looking at dementia in the elderly, and anorexia in teens for the mental illnesses, but am unsure on the long term illnesses. I need to discuss this more with my supervisors.

That reminds me actually, I had an email from one of my supervisors last week to tell me that he, and my other supervisor, are taking new jobs at Warwick University Business School and that they will no longer be able to work with me. They have however assigned me two new supervisors, both of whom I know, and one was the inspiration behind my route into medical sociology so I am delighted to be working with him. Both of them come from a background firmly routed in sociology as opposed to business and management studies, so at least we will all be on familiar ground.

I'm looking forward to starting the project and really getting my teeth into something new, but the closer it gets to lectures actually starting, the more I realise what a monumental task I'm about to take on, and how difficult the next three years are going to be, even without having the baby. I just hope that the rest of my pregnancy is normal, and relatively easy, so I can get as much work done as possible before the baby is born. The more I can get done, the more time I can have with the baby before I need to pick it up again, but I don't want to take too much time out, so as I don't completely loose interest and motivation for the project. I've worked so hard to get to this point that I don't want to let anything prevent me from achieving my goals.

We have movement (and also a small breakdown)

I'm not gonna lie, the last couple of weeks have been pretty tough and its really starting to get to me now. The cafe where I work has just undergone a management change which has stressed everyone out, and theres been a lot of changes we're all trying to get used to. On top of that, a few people have left and we're very short staffed at the moment. Everyones working extra hours, and extra hard to get everything done, especially us casuals who've suddenly found our hours increasing from 5-15hrs a week to 35+. It'll be great when we eventually get paid for it, but its really taking it out of everyone. We're all stressed, overworked and overtired and its starting to show on everyone.

I feel like I haven't got the right to moan about it, because we're all in exactly the same position, and we're all taking on extra hours to help each other out, but that combined with trying to do some PhD work, keeping on top of my housework, not to mention the fact that I'm growing a baby, its all just getting too much to deal with. I've found myself acting completely out of character the last few days. I'm snapping at my colleagues, and saying things about them or to them that I'd never usually say, I'm short and snappy with customers which I NEVER do. I pride myself on my customer service and being able to put on a smile and treat everyone the same no matter how shitty I'm feeling - I actually had a lady tell me I was being rude to her the other day which really shocked me. I wanted to burst into tears I felt so bad.

It all came to a head today when my assistant manager felt he needed to say something to me, and that was it, that set me right off. I knew I wasn't being myself and I kept hearing myself saying things and couldn't believe I'd just said it. It's like I've regressed to being a stroppy teenager again and I'v got no control over what comes out of my mouth and I hate it. For my manager to feel like he needed to say something means its got bad - I wasn't even getting upset coz he was having a word, I was just disappointed in myself that it had got to that point and it made me realise that I've got too much going on at the moment. We had a really good chat and it made me feel much better to have a little cry and get a few things off my chest, and it was lovely that he was so understanding and supportive about it. Even he said he's been quite shocked at how I've been behaving as its totally out of character for me.

I had a word with my manager and said to her that although I understand she's in a difficult position because we're so short staffed, I need to be doing less hours and having more breaks, just so I'm not getting as tired and ratty at work, and I've got the odd moment to pull myself together, put the happy face on and just let whatever it is thats bothering me completely go. I don't want my colleagues to feel like they have to be on egg shells around me incase I snap at them, or to mollycoddle me - I'm a grown up, I should be able to keep myself under control - and I certainly don't want to use my pregnancy as an excuse for being out of line. Lets just hope that less hours, and maybe an extra day off helps me keep it together!

On a positive note, I did have an exciting moment at work today while taking a quick break. In the lower right side of my tummy, I felt actual proper baby movement!! It wasn't like anything I've ever felt before, not like trapped wind, or tummy rumbles, this was definite bubbles, like butterflies or something, which is what the first movements are meant to be like. HOW EXCITING, and its great to have something positive like that on a day like today to remind me how wonderful and amazing pregnancy actually is - its not all doom and gloom!!

Another scan

I took my first 'bump' picture the other day. You can't tell yet when I'm dressed that there's anything there, but I know that this is definite bump and not just too many cakes! Usually my tummy is pretty flat - you can see where it starts off fairly straight and then begins to stick out. Normally it just goes straight down, no sticky out bit. It's pretty exciting having the very beginnings of a bump, I want it to hurry up and get bigger!!

This week we went for another scan - our second attempt at a 12 week scan so the doctors could get the measurements they needed for the downs syndrome screening. I was a bit nervous about this one because one of His uncles had downs syndrome so that gives us an increased risk. But there was nothing to worry about coz the measurement was 1.79mm which falls in the middle of the normal range. Anything over 3.00mm is said to increase the risk so although we've not had the official results, we should be ok :)

The actual scan was AMAZING. So much better than last time. The baby was lying the other way around to how it was last time, and was wriggling around loads. It was kicking its little arms and legs about and rolling sideways, towards and away from the camera. We were pretty overwhelmed by how much it was moving, and how much more like a baby it looked than last time. I wish we could have had a video from this one because the pictures really don;t represent how good the whole thing actually was.

In this first one you can see the baby facing directly to the camera. It looks like a bit of an alien - its face is on the right side of the picture and you can see its round body and little stumpy arms and can just about make out its legs on the left hand side.

In this one, the baby has rolled away from the camera and has its back to us, again with its head on the right hand side. You can definitely make out it its head, and body and an arm on the top, and its legs on the left hand side. I think this is my favourite picture of them all!

This one has the baby lying on its back, like the last scan. The white line under its head is the bit they take the measurement from for the downs test and the other white line under its body is its spine and you can just about make out legs on the left side of the picture :)

In other news, I've finished my dissertation for my masters and now have 5-6 weeks off until my PhD starts. I'm really looking forward to it now. A change of project and direction, new things to learn and do, a totally different course structure, new supervisors, a new environment too. It'll be a great fresh start for this next stage of my career - and I'm so looking forward to having a regular fixed income for the next three years!

I've been working almost full time hours at the cafe for the last few weeks, and although it'll be great when my pay check comes through, its killing me doing so many hours. I'm sure in a couple more weeks once the tiredness caused by my pregnancy has passed, I'll be able to cope with it but right now, I come home from work and I go to bed. Even if its 5pm. I'm on edge all the time and I find myself snapping at customers and colleagues, and constantly wanting to burst into tears. Its safe to say, the pregnancy is becoming more obvious to everyone who knows me!

The first Scan

Yesterday was a really special day for me (and hopefully for Him too) as it was the first time we ever saw our baby. I spoke to the other half about it the night before and asked him how he felt about it. He wasn't sure how to feel, but was adamant that he had to come with me to the hospital, even though it meant being there by 9am!

I was so excited when I woke up in the morning, I don't think I really slept properly. I just wanted to get to the hospital as soon as I could so I could see that there was actually a baby there, and that it was OK - and so I could go to the bathroom. You have to go with a full bladder to an ultrasound, it helps them get a clearer picture - its certainly not nice having the lady pushing around in your tummy when you're desperate for a wee!

Despite the discomfort, I still couldn't help but giggle when this wonderful little Jellybean popped up on the screen in front of me...

The large heart shaped area is my rapidly expanding uterus, and the baby, shaped like a kidney bean/peanut/jellybean is sitting at the bottom. its head is to the left, and the little bit on the right that's sticking up is its leg (not boy parts)!!

The sonographer also gave us a close up picture...

In this one, you can see everything more clearly. If you look at the head, theres a dark spot in the centre which is one of the babys eyes, and the whiteish area, which I think looks like a pair of lips, is its little heart, which we could see beating away on the screen. I think, but I'm not sure, that the blackish line that runs around the inside of its head is the outline of its brain, but don;t quote me on that one. It looks a bit out of proportion, and like things are in the wrong place, but thats normal. As the baby grows, its head will become smaller in proportion to the rest of its body, and will also lift off its chest, so its heart wont look like its in its mouth!

The most important thing that we learned from the scan is that the dates calculated by the doctor/midwife/general custom when you have a baby were wrong. Its all worked out from the first day of your last period, which was May 18th and you count 40 weeks from there to give you a due date. When I found out I was pregnant, I checked my diary and did some calculating based on when I thought we may have conceived, and placed it sometime around May 29th.

It turns out that I was (almost) right all along, as the scan has revealed the baby was conceived on May 31st and is now due on March 7th. Although I'm disappointed as this means I've effectively lost two weeks I'd already ticked off, it does give us extra time to prepare for the baby, and gives me more time to get all my PhD work done.

This week, we also booked a holiday!! My wonderful step-father decided me and Him needed some time to ourselves before the baby comes, so he has booked us a weeks holiday in BARBADOS of all places, at the end of October. I will be 21 weeks so it's perfectly safe for me to fly, and although it means i have to submit an assignment a week early, it does mean we get an all inclusive week in the Caribbean sunshine which will be just wonderful! So thankyou lovely step-grandad to be :-)

Making it all work

So, now that I've got used to the idea of becoming a mum, I've had a bit of time to figure out how I'm going to fit my studies in with a newborn. Obviously, I am not expecting my carefully concocted plan to work, as babies are pretty unpredictable, but I have got Plan A, and B and C and maybe all the way up to M or N so I'm well prepared.

My PhD course is taught in week long crash courses, and you usually only take classes in the first year. My course is comprised of 5 modules - 2 of which I don't have to do as I've done them as part of my MA course and one runs 2 weeks after my due date so my supervisors have said I can take that in 2nd year, which means there are only 2 modules left to do. The first is in the first week of October and the assignment is due a month later, and the second is in December with the assignment due a couple of days before my birthday.

I do also have to write an 8000 word literature review before I have my first year review, which is scheduled for June, but can be pushed back depending on the amount of time I have off after the baby is born. In all honestly, I'm not planning on having any official time off, because if I take a suspension period, then my financial support stops, and I don't get any maternity pay as part of my studentship. If i'm 'working from home' then the money carries on, and as long as I'm organised, I can get a good chunk of the review written before the baby comes so I won't have a huge amount left to do before the first year review.

By the time I start proper serious data collection in my second year, the baby will be 7-8 months old and can go to nursery - I'm already on the waiting list for the university nursery, and the cost is subsidised because I'm a student so thats all perfect. Between the birth and nursery, either He will have to take his days off on the days I do go into uni. or mum can have the baby for a few hours. Its only really the first few months when I need to be there for breastfeeding, that the option for me to go to uni all day is pretty limited. Depending on where my office is based and how many people I share it with, I could even take the baby in with me for a few hours.

So thats the plan - obviously I'm aware that I may NEED to take some time out after the baby is born, and we'll just have to hope that financially we can cope by then - and this is all assuming that the later stages of my pregnancy are uncomplicated. I do always have the option to defer if things are getting too tough for me. The PhD can wait if needs be, spending time with my child can't.