Something amazing

How incredible is this research... says it all about the importance of the mother/baby bond and how the good intentions of medical staff can actually damage that

http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/12/13/the-human-incubator/?hp

The Birth Plan

This week we went to our Mindful Mamma birthing workshop, which I'd decided to do rather than the usual birth classes everyone goes to. I chose to take this class because I don't really buy into the medical model of childbirth and although I accept that yes, there is a place for medicine in some circumstances, I really don't feel that the process of childbirth should be viewed as a medical process. I firmly believe that birth is a completely natural process, and when a woman is left to her own devices, she can birth her baby without pain, without pain relief and without any medical interventions like sweeps, having waters broken or caesarians.

Research has shown that many animals give birth without pain, and without the need for any medical help, yet we, the most sophisticated and advanced mammals on the planet need doctors and drugs and to scream and shout when we birth our babies - the very thing we were put on the Earth to do.

Not everyone thinks the same as me, I accept that, and I'm certainly not trying to change anyones mind. The course was exactly what I wanted to be, and was taught from the same standpoint as mine. We spent the morning exploring different approaches to birth ranging from the medical model, to the hypnobirthing model which is the complete opposite. Hypnobirthing rejects medicine completely, doesn't allow the use of words such as pain or contraction and doesn't allow any medical intervention, not even the use of a heartrate monitor during labour. Although I agree with a lot of the principles behind hypnobirthing, its a little bit too extreme for me. Mindful birthing acknowledges the need for medical proceedures in some cases but completely advocates the natural birth movement. It holds that with the right knowledge, and the right techniques, women can have an enjoyable birth experience free from pain. If women can understand the process of birth, how the muscles work, and the effect of natural hormones on the body during labour, we can approach birth positively, without fear of pain. Fear causes the body to become tense, preventing the production of oxytocin and natural anaesthetics in the body, so instead it produces stress hormones and tenses up. The flight or fight response to fear causes blood to flow to the extremities and away from the uterus, putting the baby under stress. This increases the likelihood of caesarian. All this tension means that the muscles fight against contractions and the movement of the baby leading to unnecessary pain. So approaching birth with a positive attitude and knowledge of what is happening is more likely to reduce any pain perpetuated by fears. Common sense really, nothing radical.

Other factors are important, such as environment - research has shown that women who give birth at home, in a place where they feel safe, comfortable and in control, are less likely to experience pain, or need any interventions, and are more likely to have shorter labours, enjoyable experiences of birth and have more contented babies. This increases exponentially when combined with a water birth. So after a lot of discussion and a bit of research, we have decided that we are going to have a pain relief free water birth at home!!

A home birth is something I wanted to do from the moment I found out I was pregnant, but He was reluctant to as he thought babies should be born in hospital. Now that he's learned a bit more about it though, he understands the advantages not just for me but for the baby, and for him too, as he won't have to spend hours feeling uncomfortable and perhaps useless at the hospital and instead can be relaxing at home. We've researched birthing pools and we can buy one for £90 with all the kit we need, or hire one for £80 for 5 weeks and it will easily fit in our front room. We'll move the tv out, and put lots of rugs on the floor to keep it warm. Anyone who needs to get in or out of house can come through the back door so I'm not being disturbed all the time and the advantage of being at home is that anyone who wants to be here, can be. If we were at the hospital, I could only have two people with me, but a few people have asked if they can be there, and to be honest, I don't really mind. I'll be so wrapped up in my breathing techniques and should in theory be in an altered state, that I won't be aware of who's there and who's not.

I've got a great cd full of relaxing music and self hypnosis techniques which I'll listen to several times a week so I can practice in preparation for the big day. It important to do it at different times of the day and in different places so I don't become conditioned to doing it at bedtime in bed. If I did that, it would make it much harder to then use the techniques in the middle of the day in a pool in my front room! I'm so excited about the birth now that we're both on board with the same plan and we both want the same things. The midlife says she'll come round here when I'm about 34 weeks so she can assess the house and make sure it's ok for us to have the birth here. As long as theres no complications between now and my due date, then theres no reason why we can't have our birth at home, naturally and just the way I want it :)

My feelings on birth

This afternoon I decided I would watch some birth videos in order to prepare me for the big day and I'm so glad I did. I've got quite strong views on childbirth and labour - I don't think that medicine has a place in childbirth and that the whole process is completely natural and normal. Women used to give birth in fields without doctors or midwives or pain relief and I honestly think it should still be like that. Yes, women used to die during childbirth, but that was more to do with basic hygiene practices than anything else and it rarely happens in the western world now.

He doesn't share the same views as me - he thinks I'm completely insane for not wanting pain relief and for thinking I can do it without screaming and shouting and begging for an epidural. I'd like to follow the practices of hypnobirthing, which promote the idea that pain comes from fear. They believe women who are well informed and well prepared for labour and who birth their babies as naturally as possible are less likely to need any form of medical intervention, be it pain relief, an epistiotomy or tearing or to need a cesarian. The babies born using this technique are less likely to suffer trauma during the birth and to be calmer and more contented.

The process is based on self-hypnosis techniques and positive visualisation in order to 'breathe' the baby down and completely tune yourself in with your body, your baby and what is essentially a completely natural process that women are biologically designed to do. Doing this allows the body to take over and many women who use the technique find themself pushing without being aware they are doing it. Generally, hypnobirths are shorter, and the active phase of labour (where the cervix is fully dilated and the baby is born) is usually very fast. I've read lots of stories of women spend a few hours in labour and the active phase is a fe minutes - of course this is my first baby so I have to expect the process to take a bit longer, but I'm really ken to learn about the techniques and see if they work.

The videos I was watching today of women using hypnobirthing were just amazing. Theres no screaming, the father is involved too, usually in the birthing pool with mum, holding her and talking to her, or if its not a water birth, he's massaging her and breathing with her. Its a beautiful thing to watch, especially as mum smiles when the baby is crowning, and usually births the baby into her own arms and straight onto her chest. This is one of the best videos I've found - its not gorey I promise, everyone should watch it just to see how beautiful birth can be

I wish I could get him on board with it so he was as supportive as the dad in this video - a lot of my friends don't really understand what it's all about and think the minute I go into labour I'll be screaming and begging for pain relief. I'm determined to prove to Him and to them, and to my mum who doubts it too, that it really is possible to have a completely natural birth. Hopefully once we've been to the classes this weekend he'll understand more about it and he'll be more supportive of it. If not, I guess I'll be doing it on my own.

This sums it all up

I just found the most wonderful quote that sums up the relationship between academics and parenting and I just had to share it....

'Academics is like rearing children - willpower has very little to do with it. If you have a little baby crying int he middle of the night and you depend on willpower to get out of bed and feed it, that baby will starve. You do it out of love. Willpower is a weak idea; love is strong... you go to the baby out of love for that baby, thats the same way you go to your desk... caring passionately about something isn't against nature, and isn't against human nature. Its what we're here to do.'

Annie Dillard, 1987:75-6.

The ups and downs of pregnancy

This week has been really tough for me, I've been feeling very down, and quite moody and I think a bit stressed too. I don't want to say that I'm not enjoying my pregnancy anymore, because thats not true. I love the feeling of being pregnant and knowing theres a little person growing in my belly. Every kick and hiccup and movement I feel gives me this overwhelming feeling of love and pride and excitement at seeing the person that those kicks is going to become - but the not so nice things that come with pregnancy are really starting to get to me.

I've been suffering with the most horrible heartburn for weeks now. It doesn't seem to matter what I eat, when I eat it, how much I eat, if I drink anything at the same time, if I lie down to soon, nothing seems to make it better, or go away. Its constant and annoying especially at night. I've started to sleep almost sitting upright in an attempt to stop it, as its well known that lying down can make it worse, but that doesn't seem to help, and is making sleeping really quite tricky. I don't think I've slept the whole night through for 10-12 weeks now as I'm constantly waking due to pain or discomfort in my chest, to take more medicine, or to get up and walk about in the hope it will settle.

I've also started getting awful pains in my hips and across the back of my pelvis. It seems to be painful in the back of my pelvis during the daytime. and then at night my hips are agonisingly painful, to such an extent that I can't lie on my side without being in pain, which is another reason why I've been trying to sleep upright, as lying flat on your back is not recommended during pregnancy incase the weight of the baby cuts off circulation (I think). I've been doing some reading online and I think it may be symphysis pubis dysfunction

see more here...http://www.babycentre.co.uk/pregnancy/antenatalhealth/physicalhealth/pelvicpain/

All I can say is that it bloody hurts and I really hope it stops pretty soon after the baby is born (along with my heartburn) so I can stop being in pain all the time!!

At least I'm not having to get up a lot to pee at the moment - I can actually go the whole night without going to the bathroom which is nice, its just the hips and the heartburn (and His snoring) keeping me awake. On the plus side though, when the baby comes I'll be used to not sleeping and being shattered all day long!

I have lectures at uni from tuesday to thursday this week and have to give a presentation on my research on wednesday afternoon, which I can safely say I am by no means ready for. I also have to squeeze in supervision on wednesday lunchtime as my supervisor was stranded in Mexico due to the rediculous amount of snow we've had over the last week or so. I don't mind that it's been rescheduled, however had I known sooner, I could have spent a bit more time working on my lit review before I sent it to him - I have got stuff to get on with in the meantime but I would have liked to have added more to that for him to read before our next meeting next week.

I took bump to my sisters work christmas party this weekend - it wasn't really my thing and we felt a bit awkward as everyone she works with is much older than her, but it was nice to get dressed up and have a few hours away from uni and crafting and stress. I did however nearly kill myself in the car park which was covered in snow and ice. The only way from the car to the building entrance was up a steep slope which had no grit or anything on, and was pretty difficult to get up anyway, even for someone who isn't pregnant. Bearing in mind I was in heels, as it was a posh do, and my balance is a bit iffy due to my bump, it was really hard to get up without slipping back down and really injuring myself. In the end, I had to take my shoes off and walk up barefoot in the snow as it was the only way to get up the slope without slipping. It was VERY COLD(!) and not the most enjoyable 5 minutes of my life but I made it in the end. When we left, my sister went to fetch the car and picked me up from the door as there was no way I was getting down the slope alive - I wasn't worried about hurting myself, I was more worries that taking a fall could hurt the baby and keeping him/her safe at all times is my priority now.

We were supposed to go to our hypnobirthing class on saturday but due to the weather and people having difficulty getting there, it's been rearranged to next sunday. It means I have to miss our next craft show which is a shame. but as its on a sunday, its much easier for Him to get the day off work, as this is the busiest time of the year for him in the kitchen at work so saturdays off are out of the question.

We had two craft shows this weekend - we were meant to have one on friday too but decided not to go in the end as we didn't think it was actually right for us and we needed a bit more time to prepare for the two on sunday. Unfortunately, neither were hugely successful - it was a bit weird splitting up, but we still had the opportunity to do some networking and make new contacts which is always important, and we still made a profit so we can't really complain. Fingers crossed the one next weekend is a huge success :) I did think the stall looked really good though, considering I only had half the stock as the rest was at the other show...

We went to have a look at some pushchairs this weekend, and were a little disappointed at the selection offered in John Lewis. We're hopefully going to go to a couple of places with His mum later this week to see if we can find one we like. She has very kindly offered to pay for the cot we would like - I don't know if we're going to get it this week or not, but it would be very exciting if we did. Maybe having it set up in the house would make him realise the time has come for him to have a clear out and to move some things around to make space for the babys stuff - particularly the cupboard under the stairs where I would like to store the pushchair, which is currently full of boxes of his things that came from the old house 6 months ago and haven't been unpacked - in fact I haven't seen the contents of the boxes in the 3+ years we have been together!

Anyways, back to work, this lecture reading isn't going to do itself, and I still have a typology of knowledge brokers to develop....

when life gets too crazy

It's been a while since I last blogged. Things have got crazy busy over the last few weeks, pretty much since I got back from holiday and I've barely had chance to enjoy my pregnancy let alone do anything else!

I'm frantically working on my literature review for my next supervision this week, and need to begin developing some sort of typology of knowledge brokers by sort of integrating other peoples theories and coming up with something new that I can call my own. If that fails I've got another route to go down for finding something novel I can research for the next 3 years, but time really is of the essence so IF I can nail this typology this week, I might just about stay on track. Theres not much more to add to this stage of the lit review - there is more but that can come after xmas. I just need to get my head around what exists in terms of theory so I can mash it all together for my typology and then some of the background type stuff I need - like what is knowledge? and all that philosophical stuff - can be worked on over xmas.

I've got supervision this week and then another 2 weeks after that so it'll be pretty difficult for me to turn anything impressive around in between them, especially considering I've got 3 days of lectures next week. The module is called 'Developing Management Research' and as part of the module, were asked to present for 10 minutes on our PhD research, answering specific questions so we're all talking about the same sorts of thing. The assignment is then a 2000 word write up of what we talk about in the presentation, so as long as I get that right, it'll hardly take any time at all to write up. We'll be able to discuss it in supervision this week so then I'll be on the ball and know exactly what I'm doing.

Oh speaking of assignments - the marks l for the Research Design and Philosophy module came back and I got an A along with some really positive feedback so I'm very pleased about that. Hopefully I can keep the standard up for the upcoming assignment, especially considering thats all I'm doing this year as I'm exempt from two and the other runs the week the babys due so I'm probably taking that next year, as I'm pretty sure potentially being in labour is good enough grounds for extenuating circumstances!

On top of all my uni work, I've got 4 craft shows coming up over the next fortnight with MollyQueen (the business my neighbour and I set up a few months back which I may not have mentioned before). It great that we've got them, and we've done really well at the last couple, but it's just bad timing as I could do without the stress of preparing for those as well as having to do uni work. Mums on holiday at the moment so I've been staying at her house and having very limited sleep as the dog is really restless during the night and he wakes up really early in the morning. Its like having the baby here already, just without the breastfeeding and with more barking! He is very sweet, and taking him out for walks gives me the chance to get some much needed exercise and to collect all my thoughts, but he's very needy, and has to eat everything I'm eating so I'm yet to complete a full meal in peace without having to give him some.

We've got our birthing classes this coming saturday. I've decided that I want to use hypnobirthing - I'll explain more about it in the next blog after the classes - and am consequently going on a special course to learn the techniques I can practice before labour. It's something thats become very important to me as it reaffirms everything I think about pregnancy and childbirth - all the ideas it talks about were things that I felt and believed in anyway so its fantastic that I've discovered a method that allows me to embrace it. I described it to one of my friends and she referred to it as 'Earth mother-y' which I guess is a good way of referring to it. She wasn't as sceptical as many other people have been as her mum used similar techniques with 2 of her babies so she's much more open minded to different ideas. My mum, some of my friends and my partner are a little less convinced - He refers to it as 'wishy washy airy fairy' but says I can do as much of it as I like, just as long as I'm doing it in a hospital. I have to respect that as it's his baby too and I want him to feel comfortable about the birth as much as possible, but if it was entirely up to me, I'd be having a home birth. He has agreed to come to the classes though, and is quite keen on being my birth partner, so hipefully he can buy into the whole thing as its really important he's behind it 100%. More to come on this next blog...

The pregnancy in general is going well. Bump is getting bigger, the midwife is pleased with its progress - at the last appointment she measured it for the first time and said it was slightly below average for the amount of weeks I was, but not to worry as theres plenty of time for baby to grow and we only need to be concerned if its not growing at the right rate. I heard the heartbeat, which was just wonderful. It's a shame He couldn't be there, but he should be at the next one coz college has broken up for christmas by then, and I'm sure she'll let us have another listen. As bumps getting bigger I'm finding it much harder to get comfortable, particularly at night and when I'm sitting on the sofa. I'm struggling to put my shoes on coz I can't really reach my feet properly anymore without it feeling a bit painful - and the worst thing is the HORRIBLE HORRIBLE heartburn I've been getting. It doesn't matter what I eat, how often I eat, how big the portions are, what I drink, if I don't drink at the same time, if I lie down too soon, nothing seems to make any difference, its just constantly there, niggling away. Especially in the evenings. I've been drinking gaviscon like its water and taking no end of tablets to try and keep it under control, but I think this is something I'm just going to have to cope with. I did get away with no morning sickness so maybe this is the horrible part I have to put up with. I don't know which I would prefer as sometimes the heartburn is so bad it actually makes me sick :(

I had a a bit of a scare the other day, as for weeks now the baby has had a really regular routine of when it moves around and I can feel it kicking etc. Well I hadn't felt it for a day or so and after lying awake all night desperately trying to feel something, and thinking the worst had happened, I rang the midwife who said I should go to the hospital just to make sure everything was ok - which it was. We had a good listen to it's heartbeat, which was all ok and the baby moved around quite a lot while I was there. The nurse did however say that I had large amounts of Ketones in my urine, which means that my body isn't getting getting enough fuel and is basically eating muscle to keep itself going. So I am officially under medical orders to eat more - which is great - however it's a tricky thing to balance with the heartburn. I eat too much and it hurts; I don't eat enough and it might harm the baby - my pain is worth it to ensure I have a healthy baby to love in 3 months time :)

I'm 6 months into my pregnancy now, and although I'm totally calm and relaxed (almost looking forward to) the experience of labour, and obviously having my baby here, I'm really starting to worry that I'm running out of time to get all my PhD work done as theres still so much to do and such a small amount of time left to do it in. I find myself thinking that maybe I have taken on to much by thinking I can still do it and be a mum, but I know I'm not the only person in this situation and I worked so so hard to get to this point, that I'd be foolish to even think about the what ifs, or to give it up. I will always have the option to take some time out of uni - it does mean that my funding stops - but it's an option that will always be there and will give me time to spend with my child so I don't ever feel guilty about having a career too.

Babys first holiday (kind of)

We're back :) actually we got back on friday but I've been really struggling to motivate myself to do anything since we returned - I spent most of the weekend in and out of bed, we were both shattered from travelling back home.

We left home on the wednesday night and got the train down to Gatwick where we checked our bags in and then stayed at the hotel there overnight. We got up at a much later time than we would have done had we not checked in the night before, and had breakfast in the airport before the flight left at 10am. 8.5 hrs later we arrived in Barbados, they are 5 hours behind so it was mid afternoon by the time we got to the hotel. Pretty much straight away we were on the beach enjoying the sunshine. It was a little cloudy but still beautiful and hot. Our room was lovely, on the ground floor right by the beach, and so quiet. All we could hear was the sea lapping the shore outside our window, and we had a little patio we could sit on. I took to sitting there in the morning, between 6am and about 7.30, getting the first sun of the day and reading my book while He slept some more.

On Friday, we went into Bridgetown, the island capital, for some shopping and to have lunch o the harbour. We were both determined to eat local food and had lots of fresh fruit, grilled king fish, fried flying fish, plantain and cou-cou (a bit like polenta) during the week. We were all inclusive, but He didn't go overboard on the drinking. I really enjoyed not being able to drink - I probably had the healthiest week I've had in a long time, what with all the fresh fruit, no chocolate, swimming, walking and salt exfoliating from the sea. Everyone said I looked great when we got back, and even He commented on how good my skin was looking. I certainly need to lay off the chocolate now we're home! I seem to have got through the whole holiday with very little heartburn, and since we got home its come back. I think its caused by dairy, as I've and things like cheese, yoghurt and chocolate since getting back that I wasn't eating on holiday. I think the baby is trying to tell mummy it wants to be fed some better food!!

On the friday evening, a tropical storm warning was issued for the island. There was a bit of rain during the day but by the evening the clouds had really gathered and it wasn't looking too nice. The storm hit around 11pm and we lost electricity at some point during the night. I woke early on saturday, about 5am, as the wind was strong enough to wake me up. I sat by the door and watched the storm get worse until He woke up and there was eventually enough of a lull for us to run up fro some food. We spent much of the day in the room reading, leaving only to eat - the staff were amazing, managing to put on three hot meals for us using the most basic of equipment.

By sunday morning, the storm had passed and we heard from our neighbours that it had been upgraded to a Hurricane and was on its way to St Lucia. Tomas had wind speeds of 65mph as it crossed Barbados and left significant damage across the island. Lots of buildings lost their roofs, trees were uprooted, power lines came down and we heard later in the week that people on the west coast had been without electricity and water for 4 days as a result. We had no power for 36 hours maximum and never lost water, and the damage was pretty minimal for us as we were the first bit of the island to get the storm.

Finally on monday the weather started to clear up and we were treated to some sunshine :) We walked into Oistins, the closest town, just for something to do and encountered a local who took us along the pier to feed the turtles. It was lovely to see and got us even more excited for our trip the next day. We spent tuesday out on a catamaran snorkelling with turtles and over shipwrecks. That was really special, something I won't ever forget. Wednesday and much of thursday were spent on the beach and in the sea, before we left at 3.30pm on thursday afternoon.

It was such a relaxing holiday, despite the storm, and gave us the time we needed to spend together, enjoying one anothers company, actually talking about things without the distractions of work and laptops. It sounds soppy but it felt like I was getting to know him all over again and I hope we can continue with that now we're back home :)

Bump has got big now, I can't even pretend to hide it anymore - not that I was anyway! The baby moves around all the time now and I'm just about figuring out its routine. While we were away, it kicked hard enough for Him to actually feel it, which was really really special. Hes taking much more of an interest now and is saying that he will be there for the birth, which is amazing. I really want him to be, especially as the birthing programme I've chosen places a huge emphasis on the role of the birth partner in the whole process and how it can really help strengthen the bond between and couple and their baby. He's even agreed to read the book I've got which is a huge step for him.

Speaking of huge steps, yesterday he texted me to say that we should spend the evening looking at baby things online together. It sounds so insignificant when I say it, but for him thats a huge deal. It shows me that he's really accepting that its happening now and knows that we need to start preparing for the babys arrival. We spent a couple of hours looking at pushchairs and cots and various other things - I think he was a little confused by it all but we've found the pushchair of our dreams and the perfect cot and have researched lots of other things too like door bouncers, changing mats and bedding. I'm going to ask mum if she can get us the pushchair for my christmas present, and will ask dad to get us the cot and mattress - we wont need it til the baby is older but we agreed that we would get it soon and can always assemble it nearer the time. I'm so excited to start buying big things now - I've got a drawer full of babygrows and toys and nappies and muslin squares already but nothing big and significant that really makes me feel like theres actually going to be a baby in our house. Two of my friends have just had babies and it makes me even more excited about seeing mine :)

I am however, really struggling to motivate myself back into uni work. I have looked at some stuff and printed lots of things to read but not really done anything yet. I am however going to visit a friend in Liverpool tomorrow so I'll have plenty of time on the train to get some reading done and that'll get me geared up fro doing lots of work. I think I'm just going to enjoy having the house to myself today and the opportunity to relax some more and feel the baby wriggling about.