Thursday, 2 September 2010

We have movement (and also a small breakdown)

I'm not gonna lie, the last couple of weeks have been pretty tough and its really starting to get to me now. The cafe where I work has just undergone a management change which has stressed everyone out, and theres been a lot of changes we're all trying to get used to. On top of that, a few people have left and we're very short staffed at the moment. Everyones working extra hours, and extra hard to get everything done, especially us casuals who've suddenly found our hours increasing from 5-15hrs a week to 35+. It'll be great when we eventually get paid for it, but its really taking it out of everyone. We're all stressed, overworked and overtired and its starting to show on everyone.

I feel like I haven't got the right to moan about it, because we're all in exactly the same position, and we're all taking on extra hours to help each other out, but that combined with trying to do some PhD work, keeping on top of my housework, not to mention the fact that I'm growing a baby, its all just getting too much to deal with. I've found myself acting completely out of character the last few days. I'm snapping at my colleagues, and saying things about them or to them that I'd never usually say, I'm short and snappy with customers which I NEVER do. I pride myself on my customer service and being able to put on a smile and treat everyone the same no matter how shitty I'm feeling - I actually had a lady tell me I was being rude to her the other day which really shocked me. I wanted to burst into tears I felt so bad.

It all came to a head today when my assistant manager felt he needed to say something to me, and that was it, that set me right off. I knew I wasn't being myself and I kept hearing myself saying things and couldn't believe I'd just said it. It's like I've regressed to being a stroppy teenager again and I'v got no control over what comes out of my mouth and I hate it. For my manager to feel like he needed to say something means its got bad - I wasn't even getting upset coz he was having a word, I was just disappointed in myself that it had got to that point and it made me realise that I've got too much going on at the moment. We had a really good chat and it made me feel much better to have a little cry and get a few things off my chest, and it was lovely that he was so understanding and supportive about it. Even he said he's been quite shocked at how I've been behaving as its totally out of character for me.

I had a word with my manager and said to her that although I understand she's in a difficult position because we're so short staffed, I need to be doing less hours and having more breaks, just so I'm not getting as tired and ratty at work, and I've got the odd moment to pull myself together, put the happy face on and just let whatever it is thats bothering me completely go. I don't want my colleagues to feel like they have to be on egg shells around me incase I snap at them, or to mollycoddle me - I'm a grown up, I should be able to keep myself under control - and I certainly don't want to use my pregnancy as an excuse for being out of line. Lets just hope that less hours, and maybe an extra day off helps me keep it together!

On a positive note, I did have an exciting moment at work today while taking a quick break. In the lower right side of my tummy, I felt actual proper baby movement!! It wasn't like anything I've ever felt before, not like trapped wind, or tummy rumbles, this was definite bubbles, like butterflies or something, which is what the first movements are meant to be like. HOW EXCITING, and its great to have something positive like that on a day like today to remind me how wonderful and amazing pregnancy actually is - its not all doom and gloom!!

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