Monday, 17 January 2011

Can i stop working now please?

Its official - I have hit the wall. The motivated streak I seem to have been on is definitely running out of steam and is being replaced by a general feeling of being fed up. I'm struggling to stay awake during the day for long enough to actually get any work done - I seem to be writing in 20-30minute bursts and then I have to go and get some fresh air to wake myself up, or have a nap because I can't keep my eyes open. I think I'm stalling a bit because I know that once I've got this little bit of work done and sent to my supervisors, the next thing that will be happening is the birth (assuming baby doesn't come early) and thats apparently causing a bit of a mental block for me. I'm excited about having the baby and the birth and everything, but subconsciously I know that once this stage of work is over, theres nothing to stop me going into labour. Its a bit like when old people know they are going to die, and they can hold on long enough to get all their affairs in order and say their goodbyes and then once they've done that, they let go. I think I'm having the same thing, where I know that once I send this work off, I can relax and let go and have the baby but I know I need just that little bit more time.

The insomnia that my heartburn/backpain/general difficulty sleeping is causing is really starting to have a detrimental affect on my work, as I seem to need to nap all the time, and if I don't, I get a headache. I literally want to sleep all the time and I put off getting out of bed longer and longer in the morning so I can at least feel like I've had a good amount of sleep. It takes me ages to get to sleep and then I wake up a lot of times in the night because I'm uncomfortable, or because I've got heartburn or He's elbowed me in the back of the head or something. At least I'll be used to no sleep when the baby arrives!

We decided on our pushchair this week and my dad has ordered it for us. We also went to look at baby things over the weekend and his mum has decided she will buy us a crib for the baby. We were going to get a moses basket and then a cot, which she'd offered to get, but we realised that a little rocking crib would be just as good, if not better because we can keep the baby in it for a few months longer than we could with a moses basket and then we can have it in the cot bed she has kept from her youngest son. We found a really nice white one in Mamas and Papas and we've found a lovely bumper and blanket set to go with it. I'm so excited about the crib and the pushchair arriving at the house and being set up as it'll make me feel like we're actually ready for the baby to be here. We've got almost everything that we will need for the fist couple of weeks now and if we realise we've not got something, He can easily go and get it, or we can ask one of our parents to. As long as the baby has clothes, nappies and somewhere to sleep we'll be fine.

He's been amazing over the last few weeks and has made it really clear to me that he's excited about the baby and ready for it to arrive. I keep hearing him talking really positively to his friends about having a home birth and the hypnobirthing techniques I'm using and how he understands everything I've been saying about medical interventions making things worse for me and the baby. It's so lovely hearing him talk about it in as passionate a way as I do rather than just saying 'oh she wants to do this stupid thing that I think is a massive waste of time' which I know is what he thought o begin with before he really engaged with it and understood everything I was saying to him. Things have much much better with us recently too. He's more enjoyable to be around and is making an effort to help out with things around the house. I've been much more relaxed and less uptight about things in the past few months which has really helped as we're not both constantly annoyed at each other all the time. I make sure that I let him know when he's said or done something that I appreciate and that has made me feel good about him and us and whats happening and he's even started saying nice things about how good I look which he would never do, even before I fell pregnant. It sounds a bit soppy but we seem to have fallen in love with each other again and it's wonderful. 6 months ago I thought this pregnancy was going to tear us apart because we both responded so differently to it to begin with but now I think its done the opposite and has really brought us together as a couple and as a family. I hope it continues once the baby arrives - I'm sure it will do. The last few weeks have taught me that I need to have a little bit more faith in him because if thats been anything to go by, he's going to really surprise me after the birth and I can't wait :)

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